Okay so it feels kinda like cheating... to grant the boys' wish to get another pet when all I did was scoop up a grasshopper from the yard. Yes...you read that right. We have a pet grasshopper. Only he prefers to go by Goliath. He's not all that large (hence me not being too wussy to catch it) but we have spoke and honestly he has a bit of a Napoleon Complex when it comes to joining our family. Perhaps it has to do with being 4,000 times smaller than the next smallest member of the Clemens Family. Just a hunch.
So is it cheating? I mean, they wanted a kitten, but Lord knows I tried!! Those little fuckers are fast and mean and they have claws like Ginsu knives- tiny little Ginsu knives!! I on the other hand, wanted another dog, but let's get real the grasshopper was free and it will cost nothing other than time to feed it. Better yet- it wont even be my time- the boys have already declared themselves the official care-takers of mighty Goliath.
I did a little research and they don't need any water, they get it all from their food which is grass and leftover bits of salad or carrots, etc. All they need is small aquarium, with some dirt, little plants, rocks and their food. Also they live for about 5 months. Hopefully G-rock is like only a few days old. Shit, that would hold the boys over until mid January! Maybe then they will be happy with a pet (or two) made of snow. We can have a whole snow menagerie! It will look very trailer-chic with the Christmas lights we'll still have up. XP
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
I Lurve My Body Pillow
I have come to the conclusion that there are two types of people in the world: those who sleep without a body pillow and those who cannot sleep without one. I fall into the category of the latter. I lurve my body pillow.
Before the invention of the body pillow, current body pillow devotees used an actual body as a pillow. Husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, and large dogs worked well for this purpose. However, several flaws were quickly noted. People and dogs move thus interrupting sleep. In addition, they get hot and sweat! Finally if you are a woman who has ever tried to use a man as a body pillow than you know the very act of letting a portion of your body touch their's is code in their brain for desire for sex. What does a girl gotta do to get some sleep around here??
Then a smart few evolved into using standard pillows to prop and support their bodies while sleeping. These solved the issue of too warm of a cuddly thing, because the pillows could just be flipped to the "cool side". Yet, using one pillow was not enough and using any more than one allowed for the phenomenon of the "migrating pillow". You'd wake up in the middle of the night and one pillow was for sure on the floor or so far tucked into the foot of the bed that brut strength alone would unwedge it.
Enter: The body pillow. Genius. As I mentioned I love mine and use it every night. My husband used to tease me. He found it funny that I required such a large apparatus in order to sleep soundly. Well, one night somehow though he denies it fervently, he used it. Maybe some odd curiosity got him to try it- kinda like that straight girl in college who just has to get it on with a girl... who knows. All I know is the next time we were at Bed Bath and Beyond, having a nice little Saturday, he saw one and tossed it in the cart. I tested it out, prodding and squishing like you do with a cantaloupe at the grocery store. It was far too ripe, er soft.
I explained to him as a season veteran of body pillow use, that choosing a body pillow is like choosing a wife. After all, you sleep with your wife every night as well. In the midst of feeling half gay perhaps or defeated/embarrassed of all of the above. He quietly assured me it was "fine". Well time has passed and after several tries and some desperate nights his lame excuse for a body pillow spends most nights under the bed.
Now lord help me if I go to bed after him or use the restroom in the middle of the night, for the moment I am not around he's got my beloved body pillow in an embrace of a long lost lover. By the time I return to bed I have to pry it from his arms and his naturally hot body temperature and larger frame has managed to leave the pillow warmer than I like and slightly mishapen. It always takes me longer to fall asleep again after he's man-handled it.
At this point I think my only chance at getting my body pillow back and my nights back to normal are to hunt him down a worthy body pillow. We simply cannot go on living like this.
Fun Facts:
Guling is a long hugging pillow originating from Indonesia.
Abrazador is a long hugging pillow originating from the Philippines.
Before the invention of the body pillow, current body pillow devotees used an actual body as a pillow. Husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, and large dogs worked well for this purpose. However, several flaws were quickly noted. People and dogs move thus interrupting sleep. In addition, they get hot and sweat! Finally if you are a woman who has ever tried to use a man as a body pillow than you know the very act of letting a portion of your body touch their's is code in their brain for desire for sex. What does a girl gotta do to get some sleep around here??
Then a smart few evolved into using standard pillows to prop and support their bodies while sleeping. These solved the issue of too warm of a cuddly thing, because the pillows could just be flipped to the "cool side". Yet, using one pillow was not enough and using any more than one allowed for the phenomenon of the "migrating pillow". You'd wake up in the middle of the night and one pillow was for sure on the floor or so far tucked into the foot of the bed that brut strength alone would unwedge it.
Enter: The body pillow. Genius. As I mentioned I love mine and use it every night. My husband used to tease me. He found it funny that I required such a large apparatus in order to sleep soundly. Well, one night somehow though he denies it fervently, he used it. Maybe some odd curiosity got him to try it- kinda like that straight girl in college who just has to get it on with a girl... who knows. All I know is the next time we were at Bed Bath and Beyond, having a nice little Saturday, he saw one and tossed it in the cart. I tested it out, prodding and squishing like you do with a cantaloupe at the grocery store. It was far too ripe, er soft.
I explained to him as a season veteran of body pillow use, that choosing a body pillow is like choosing a wife. After all, you sleep with your wife every night as well. In the midst of feeling half gay perhaps or defeated/embarrassed of all of the above. He quietly assured me it was "fine". Well time has passed and after several tries and some desperate nights his lame excuse for a body pillow spends most nights under the bed.
Now lord help me if I go to bed after him or use the restroom in the middle of the night, for the moment I am not around he's got my beloved body pillow in an embrace of a long lost lover. By the time I return to bed I have to pry it from his arms and his naturally hot body temperature and larger frame has managed to leave the pillow warmer than I like and slightly mishapen. It always takes me longer to fall asleep again after he's man-handled it.
At this point I think my only chance at getting my body pillow back and my nights back to normal are to hunt him down a worthy body pillow. We simply cannot go on living like this.
Fun Facts:
Guling is a long hugging pillow originating from Indonesia.
Abrazador is a long hugging pillow originating from the Philippines.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Search for a Church
Those of you who know me know that I "have a relationship with God" but do not currently attend church. It has always been my belief that you needent not attend in order to be worthy. You live your life in a way in which you think (or assume) is good and moral and all that happy horseshit. I consider myself a Christian, more specifically a Methodist. I agree with most of the stuff in the bible, but of course I am refering to the way I interpret it. I guess there-in lies part of the problem.
The other half of the problem concerns my boys. Holden is 4 and Greyson is 3. I have to find a church that teaches them the basics, is clean, friendly and understands the "boys will be boys" method of how we are rasing our boys. *Lightbulb* That gives me an idea for tomorrow's blog. The World needs to know my concept on raising boys!!...I digress, anyway, I have yet to find a church that suits us on both aspects.
Let me tell you about our expriences. The first church we went to seemed very old school. This was both good and bad. Good because no one seemed to notice we were new because either they didn't give a rat's ass because they were old or they just plain didn't notice because their eyesight was shot- again- because they were old. The preacher didn't seem pushy, didn't try to be too funny and actually made good interpretations in our eyes.
However, the younger with children generation was totally missing so I doubt they even had Sunday School services for the boys. Secondly, they seemed to be completely lacking in the central air and heating department. No joke- people were fanning themselves. It reminded me of the old church scenes from movies like The Color Purple and The Scarlet Letter. Maybe letting your temperature rise nearly to the point of heat exhaustion makes them feel closer to God. Call me spoiled but God gave us the brains to invent A/C and I think we should use it!!
One of the next churches also seemed nice at first. The service was great, the people were very nice, and they worships under normal man-controlled temperature. They were even totally renovating the children's area. Hallelujah! Of course this was all short lived when the pastor and his wife decided to drop by our fricken house, unannounced and at 8 am on a Saturday!! I don't know about y'all but that is some weird shit. We never went back.
The next church we went to I have to explain with a list. That many things freaked me out.
1. The pastor kept talking out the poor Chinese and how they are going to hell because they are buddhist.
2. The entire congregation actually laughed at this point he made
3. He also talked about the day he got saved and how he smoked copius amount of weed and then went and got "saved".
4. Then he went on to say that he was so excited to be in Jesus' club that he went home and held a shot gun to his roommate's head and told him to get saved as well.
5. He talked about how "dirty" fornicators are and how they should beg the lord for forgiveness.
I could go on and on but you get the point. By the time we left I felt dirty and wanted to shower. I am not sure about anyone else but I wanna leave church feeling new and fresh- or something to that effect. I, instead felt like I needed to jump off a bridge before I contaminated the world any further with my sins.
The last church we tried was okay- but it was huge. There was also a lot of music going on. The pastor was okay, too. The kid's area was awesome, very secure and organized. They even rotatd rooms in order to keep the kids entertained. Downsides, were that checking the kids into the kid's program was time consuming, it was very crowded and worst of all the service itself took an 1 1/2 hrs. That is just too long to be honest. I have better things to do...like fornicate. Yeah, I am going to hell for that one.
This has been our grand search for a church- and honestly I'm still perplexed as to why religion turns so many people off....?
The other half of the problem concerns my boys. Holden is 4 and Greyson is 3. I have to find a church that teaches them the basics, is clean, friendly and understands the "boys will be boys" method of how we are rasing our boys. *Lightbulb* That gives me an idea for tomorrow's blog. The World needs to know my concept on raising boys!!...I digress, anyway, I have yet to find a church that suits us on both aspects.
Let me tell you about our expriences. The first church we went to seemed very old school. This was both good and bad. Good because no one seemed to notice we were new because either they didn't give a rat's ass because they were old or they just plain didn't notice because their eyesight was shot- again- because they were old. The preacher didn't seem pushy, didn't try to be too funny and actually made good interpretations in our eyes.
However, the younger with children generation was totally missing so I doubt they even had Sunday School services for the boys. Secondly, they seemed to be completely lacking in the central air and heating department. No joke- people were fanning themselves. It reminded me of the old church scenes from movies like The Color Purple and The Scarlet Letter. Maybe letting your temperature rise nearly to the point of heat exhaustion makes them feel closer to God. Call me spoiled but God gave us the brains to invent A/C and I think we should use it!!
One of the next churches also seemed nice at first. The service was great, the people were very nice, and they worships under normal man-controlled temperature. They were even totally renovating the children's area. Hallelujah! Of course this was all short lived when the pastor and his wife decided to drop by our fricken house, unannounced and at 8 am on a Saturday!! I don't know about y'all but that is some weird shit. We never went back.
The next church we went to I have to explain with a list. That many things freaked me out.
1. The pastor kept talking out the poor Chinese and how they are going to hell because they are buddhist.
2. The entire congregation actually laughed at this point he made
3. He also talked about the day he got saved and how he smoked copius amount of weed and then went and got "saved".
4. Then he went on to say that he was so excited to be in Jesus' club that he went home and held a shot gun to his roommate's head and told him to get saved as well.
5. He talked about how "dirty" fornicators are and how they should beg the lord for forgiveness.
I could go on and on but you get the point. By the time we left I felt dirty and wanted to shower. I am not sure about anyone else but I wanna leave church feeling new and fresh- or something to that effect. I, instead felt like I needed to jump off a bridge before I contaminated the world any further with my sins.
The last church we tried was okay- but it was huge. There was also a lot of music going on. The pastor was okay, too. The kid's area was awesome, very secure and organized. They even rotatd rooms in order to keep the kids entertained. Downsides, were that checking the kids into the kid's program was time consuming, it was very crowded and worst of all the service itself took an 1 1/2 hrs. That is just too long to be honest. I have better things to do...like fornicate. Yeah, I am going to hell for that one.
This has been our grand search for a church- and honestly I'm still perplexed as to why religion turns so many people off....?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Good Wife's Guide (revised for 2010)
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
This was not practical back then nor is it now. Planning Wednesdays dinner Tuesday night is for chefs, unless you're a chef devising a dinner plan 5 minutes prior to when you are hungry is completely acceptable. You can just as easily let a man know you are concerned about his needs by asking. You aren't his mother and "hey babe- I missed you how was your day" should suffice. Anything further is smothering. If he looks particulary "rode rough"- get him a beer or poor him some scotch. While you're at it get yourself a drink too. Only good things can happen from there.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Wow 15 minutes?? And these should just materialize on the clock like that time you dropped acid and had that tea party in the Lawn and Garden department at Walmart? Here's a tip: Do not look refreshed or fresh-looking. He will only become suspicious that you are getting it from somewhere else, hiding the fact that you just went on a shopping spree or seriously in need of more things to do around the house. Who cares if he has been around work-weary people- you are his work weary wife.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
I can surprisingly only agree with this suggestion. Every man will find his wife more interesting if he comes home to her resembling anything closer to gay. This also may be your only chance to befriend and make that hoetorious neighbor useful. Nothing would make him happier than the two of you pawing at each other like two kittens tangled in yarn. How's that for a lift? Literally.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
Again, nothing says "I need more to do" like a clean house. Instead put on a white tank top, sans bra, and some tiny boyshorts then..."What clutter?"
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
I'm sorry...what?...I just vomited.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
If it were as easy as encouragement my kids wouldn't talk at all. I have tried everything from encouragement to threats of intense torture. They have no "off" button and frankly if he were to come home to a house of no noise he's assume we'd all been murdered. That's not at all a recipe for comfort.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
I almost agree with this, though I forget all the time. Men need their man-cave time. Not that we don't we are just able let it all build up till 1/2 off tequila night. Men cannot. You can wait for him to talk first if you desire, but who are we kidding, there is nothing to gain for either of you. Join him in the man cave in 30 minutes and do your venting while stripping off clothes. He wont be listening but it's only important to hear ourselves speak. It's a win-win
Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Any wife has every right to complain about a man who doesn't come home at night if he doesn't call. Unless you married a real playboy I can promise nothing more than cards, booze, and/or bad jokes are happening. Honestly it's no big deal just tell him his basic whereabouts are needed. Furthermore even this information is only needed in situation where you might have to pick him up after the drunken penis wars are over.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Really this is a card I'd only pull out if I desperately need something big. Otherwise you risk scaring him into thinking he's about to have his colon scoped.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
I wont even go there about all the ways this is just soul-crushing to any woman. I will just say an honest, intelligent woman will question everything, especially the judgement of a man. If you're married to the earlier mentioned "playboy type" you will qustion his integrity and truthfulness as well.
A good wife always knows her place.
An honest wife knows her place and it's worth, just in case of a divorce.
A special thanks to Good Housekeeping magazine and the 50's ideals for providing us with expectations that cannot be lived up to. May those standards RIP.
This was not practical back then nor is it now. Planning Wednesdays dinner Tuesday night is for chefs, unless you're a chef devising a dinner plan 5 minutes prior to when you are hungry is completely acceptable. You can just as easily let a man know you are concerned about his needs by asking. You aren't his mother and "hey babe- I missed you how was your day" should suffice. Anything further is smothering. If he looks particulary "rode rough"- get him a beer or poor him some scotch. While you're at it get yourself a drink too. Only good things can happen from there.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Wow 15 minutes?? And these should just materialize on the clock like that time you dropped acid and had that tea party in the Lawn and Garden department at Walmart? Here's a tip: Do not look refreshed or fresh-looking. He will only become suspicious that you are getting it from somewhere else, hiding the fact that you just went on a shopping spree or seriously in need of more things to do around the house. Who cares if he has been around work-weary people- you are his work weary wife.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
I can surprisingly only agree with this suggestion. Every man will find his wife more interesting if he comes home to her resembling anything closer to gay. This also may be your only chance to befriend and make that hoetorious neighbor useful. Nothing would make him happier than the two of you pawing at each other like two kittens tangled in yarn. How's that for a lift? Literally.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
Again, nothing says "I need more to do" like a clean house. Instead put on a white tank top, sans bra, and some tiny boyshorts then..."What clutter?"
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
I'm sorry...what?...I just vomited.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
If it were as easy as encouragement my kids wouldn't talk at all. I have tried everything from encouragement to threats of intense torture. They have no "off" button and frankly if he were to come home to a house of no noise he's assume we'd all been murdered. That's not at all a recipe for comfort.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
I almost agree with this, though I forget all the time. Men need their man-cave time. Not that we don't we are just able let it all build up till 1/2 off tequila night. Men cannot. You can wait for him to talk first if you desire, but who are we kidding, there is nothing to gain for either of you. Join him in the man cave in 30 minutes and do your venting while stripping off clothes. He wont be listening but it's only important to hear ourselves speak. It's a win-win
Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Any wife has every right to complain about a man who doesn't come home at night if he doesn't call. Unless you married a real playboy I can promise nothing more than cards, booze, and/or bad jokes are happening. Honestly it's no big deal just tell him his basic whereabouts are needed. Furthermore even this information is only needed in situation where you might have to pick him up after the drunken penis wars are over.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Really this is a card I'd only pull out if I desperately need something big. Otherwise you risk scaring him into thinking he's about to have his colon scoped.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
I wont even go there about all the ways this is just soul-crushing to any woman. I will just say an honest, intelligent woman will question everything, especially the judgement of a man. If you're married to the earlier mentioned "playboy type" you will qustion his integrity and truthfulness as well.
A good wife always knows her place.
An honest wife knows her place and it's worth, just in case of a divorce.
A special thanks to Good Housekeeping magazine and the 50's ideals for providing us with expectations that cannot be lived up to. May those standards RIP.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Hoetorious Encounters
Hoetorious- n. (ho-tore-y-us) a gal commonly known as the quintessential whore.
i.e. Chrissy has really become hoetorious after going home with those three skeezy guys.
Has HOETORIOUS made it to the Urban Dictionary yet? If not, someone please nominate it. Where oh where do these girls come from and why oh why wont they find other ways to work out their daddy issues?
There is always one...at the office, next door, or somehow invited to the family reunion every year. The first being the least tolerable because she puts her self on display at the most unavoidable places... the copy machine, the lunch room... your husband at the office Christmas party.... Yeah... Caution do not underestimate how often you will be teamed up with her on projects. You will know fate is about to deal you a raw hand when suddenly you feel bloated, your hair is a disaster, and your outfits just havent been coming together right all week. Bam! Only hope: Get her fired by sending a racy email to the boss and CC it to his wife of 18 yrs.
The nextdoor whore is a little easier to avoid... but look for her on especially hot days to have a dirty car that needs a sponge bath. She is easy to spot in her tight white tee and boyshorts. This is the day you have the husband rework the plumbing on the side of the basement with no windows. Caution, this hoetorious neighbor always has a guy friendly dog- like a german shephard or a rott. They may look dumb (the chick I mean) but it is a very clever tactic. It's their man bait if the T & A fails. Only hope: Go through your Martha Stewart cookbook again and reopen that pit he calls a stomach for business.
The reunion whore seems innocent enough, afterall it's a picnic for christ's sake. A mere afternoon... but alas she can cause the most damage. She is like a Katy Perry song. She gets in there and stays- long after she is no longer visable. This hoetorious woman shows up with a cousin or as the date or an uncle twice removed that keeps somhow getting invites. She's young, incredibly hot, good at horseshoes and can whip up a pie that would make Sarah Lee "O" like Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 weeks. These facts lead to endless comparisons between you and her for months. The torment will cause you to plot revenge or her demise (depending on just how sick you are) all the way up until next year. Thing is, she wont be there. Then two things happen- he forgets how good she was at getting "ringers" but you never forget that your pies cannot make his toes curl. Only hope: Avoidance of any and all picnics with your significant other. Who cares if it's
Aunt Betty's last reunion before she croaks or you haven't seen long lost Uncle Bert since 93'. NOTHING is worse than finding out some hoetorious floozy can make your man's toes curl both with looks and by combining flour and butter.
Finally another case to be wary of: The hoetorious friend. Keep in mind- she is not a friend. She may have been at one point in time but alas- no longer girlfriend. Her daddy issues have caught up to her and now she is on a mission like Freddy Krugar. Lose her at all costs. Only hope: This is the girl you's have to take on a girlie cruise and then push over after being very generous with the tequila in her drinks. DO NOT LET IT GET THIS FAR. As soon as you label her hoetorious, trim the fat and cut her loose. You owe her no explanation.
Famous Hoetorious Women:
Stacy Dash
Paris Hilton
Danielle Staub
i.e. Chrissy has really become hoetorious after going home with those three skeezy guys.
Has HOETORIOUS made it to the Urban Dictionary yet? If not, someone please nominate it. Where oh where do these girls come from and why oh why wont they find other ways to work out their daddy issues?
There is always one...at the office, next door, or somehow invited to the family reunion every year. The first being the least tolerable because she puts her self on display at the most unavoidable places... the copy machine, the lunch room... your husband at the office Christmas party.... Yeah... Caution do not underestimate how often you will be teamed up with her on projects. You will know fate is about to deal you a raw hand when suddenly you feel bloated, your hair is a disaster, and your outfits just havent been coming together right all week. Bam! Only hope: Get her fired by sending a racy email to the boss and CC it to his wife of 18 yrs.
The nextdoor whore is a little easier to avoid... but look for her on especially hot days to have a dirty car that needs a sponge bath. She is easy to spot in her tight white tee and boyshorts. This is the day you have the husband rework the plumbing on the side of the basement with no windows. Caution, this hoetorious neighbor always has a guy friendly dog- like a german shephard or a rott. They may look dumb (the chick I mean) but it is a very clever tactic. It's their man bait if the T & A fails. Only hope: Go through your Martha Stewart cookbook again and reopen that pit he calls a stomach for business.
The reunion whore seems innocent enough, afterall it's a picnic for christ's sake. A mere afternoon... but alas she can cause the most damage. She is like a Katy Perry song. She gets in there and stays- long after she is no longer visable. This hoetorious woman shows up with a cousin or as the date or an uncle twice removed that keeps somhow getting invites. She's young, incredibly hot, good at horseshoes and can whip up a pie that would make Sarah Lee "O" like Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 weeks. These facts lead to endless comparisons between you and her for months. The torment will cause you to plot revenge or her demise (depending on just how sick you are) all the way up until next year. Thing is, she wont be there. Then two things happen- he forgets how good she was at getting "ringers" but you never forget that your pies cannot make his toes curl. Only hope: Avoidance of any and all picnics with your significant other. Who cares if it's
Aunt Betty's last reunion before she croaks or you haven't seen long lost Uncle Bert since 93'. NOTHING is worse than finding out some hoetorious floozy can make your man's toes curl both with looks and by combining flour and butter.
Finally another case to be wary of: The hoetorious friend. Keep in mind- she is not a friend. She may have been at one point in time but alas- no longer girlfriend. Her daddy issues have caught up to her and now she is on a mission like Freddy Krugar. Lose her at all costs. Only hope: This is the girl you's have to take on a girlie cruise and then push over after being very generous with the tequila in her drinks. DO NOT LET IT GET THIS FAR. As soon as you label her hoetorious, trim the fat and cut her loose. You owe her no explanation.
Famous Hoetorious Women:
Stacy Dash
Paris Hilton
Danielle Staub
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